Faith has been quite a journey for me.  A journey that is still continuing and invariably changing.  I grew up in a mainly atheist country, run by the Communist regime.  Going to church and open worship of God was strongly discouraged and doing so could easily put you and your family on the government’s blacklist.  It was mostly elders filling the churches every Sunday as their faith was deeply rooted from before the communist regime took over.  They also didn’t have as much to lose as opposed to the younger generation who was commonly denied access to universities and was put on the “no travel” list.

My two grandmothers were the only ones ever speaking of God.  They had pictures of Mary and baby Jesus and crosses hanging in their houses and they dutifully attended church on most Sundays.  We kids were only asked to join them at Christmas time or for weddings and funerals.  I was intrigued, but also a little intimidated by the formality of the Catholic Church.  I found all the rituals of Catholic sermon to be very stoic and structured and I pictured God as someone I should fear, not someone who loves me.

When I was in my teens, my grandma gave me my first bible.  It was a travel version, a small black book worn from her constant use.  But I wasn’t ready to explore faith yet, so I shoved it in a box under my bed…

It was many years later, long after both of my grandmas passed, that I was re-introduced to faith.  Sometimes life has to knock you down a few times to make you realize that you can’t do it alone.  It is when we go through hardships and things spiral out of our control when we desperately search for something permanent to hold on to. It is in those times we need hope. 

This realization came to me after a few difficult years.  Moving to a new country, leaving everyone I loved behind and trying to establish myself was just the beginning.  The breaking point for me came after a year-long, difficult divorce from my first husband.  We were young, married for only a couple of years, but his betrayal was big enough to knock me down.  I was living too far from my support system and embarrassed to admit my marriage was a failure.  For years I falsely believed in my ability to make work whatever was thrown my way.  Not this time though.  I was struggling to get back on my feet.

That is when I met my now husband of 12 years, John.  I was still in the midst of that long, drawn-out divorce, losing sleep and weight.  John could see I was struggling and that my trust had been broken.  He did the right thing…he didn’t push and he asked me to join him at church one Sunday.  I remember the day so clearly… I loved the small, informal church so very unlike the churches I’ve visited as a little girl.  When the worship band started playing an acoustical, slightly adjusted version of  Desperado by Eagles, I broke down…

“Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses?
You been out ridin’ fences for so long now
Oh, you’re a hard one
But I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin’ you
Can hurt you somehow…”

“…Desperado, oh, you ain’t gettin’ no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they’re drivin’ you home

And freedom, oh freedom, well that’s just some people talkin’
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don’t your feet get cold in the wintertime?
The sky won’t snow and the sun won’t shine
It’s hard to tell the night time from the day
You’re losin’ all your highs and lows
Ain’t it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin’, but there’s a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you (let somebody love you)
You better let somebody love you
Before it’s too late…”

Tears started rolling down my cheeks as I felt the strong presence of God at that moment. I had an overwhelming feeling that He was speaking to me, telling me “Come to your senses child, you can’t be a desperado, doing it all alone. Be still my child…lay all your troubles on my shoulders, I can handle them”.  Don’t ask me why, but I have never felt His presence so strongly before. And it was the first time I didn’t see God as a scary ruler there to punish me for my mistakes.  All I felt was just an overwhelming, nurturing type of love.  On that day, I was finally ready to put my doubts aside and decided to give it all to God.  I was finally still…

Faith is a very personal journey and it takes various forms for everyone.  For some people, it’s instilled by their parents since they are babies.  For some, it’s a process that usually stems from life’s trials.  I know I am not done with my journey and I know God is not done with me.  I am well aware that God doesn’t promise us a life free of hardship but what He does promise us is being with us through the peaks and valleys of our life.  Coming to that realization gave me a sense of peace.  Knowing that God loves me unconditionally despite all my imperfections and some bad choices is very comforting to me.  It also makes me want to be a better person even though I know His love cannot be acquired.  It is just freely given as long as my heart is open to it.

Do you have a faith journey you’d like to share?  I would love to hear from you.