Before COVID-19, I considered myself to be a good mom.  I only saw my children a few hours a day so I knew I had to squeeze all the fun and cuddles in a few precious hours.  I gave my kids my undivided attention, because my work and chores were done while they were at school.  I looked forward to seeing them every afternoon and I enjoyed their chattiness.  And because they only saw each other for a few hours a day, there was barely any bickering and teasing.  It wasn’t perfect all the time, but I felt we had a strong bond.

Everything changed when Covid-19 and subsequently Distance Learning came into play.  After the novelty of not having to rush to drop offs, pickups, and sport events wore off, we were left with a “new level of normal” that didn’t feel normal at all. It was just us, ALL THE TIME.  The chatter, messes, bickering, asking for help, demanding my attention, meal prepping, and keeping my kids entertained and alive never stopped.  There was nowhere to go in the afternoons when homework was done.  Daily walks and bike rides got old after a while, and the kids’ started complaining about missing sports and their friends. Finishing my thought or a project around the house was almost impossible, let alone getting any work done. I felt my patience and energy slowly evaporating.

But the worst part of it all was the slow decline of my once close relationship with my son.  My 11-year-old son Nate and I always had a special bond. He was my firstborn and my fist pure, unconditional love.  Even at the age of 10, he would still hold my hand in public, cuddle with me at bedtime, tell me “I love you” in front of his friends, and confide in me with his thoughts and worries.  He was also a straight-A student and even though he was always easily distracted, we didn’t really have issues with school work.  All that changed once Distance Learning took place.  Nate is a very social, happy boy so to be suddenly tied to his computer for six hours of school and then another 2-3 hours of homework started to wear him out.   The boredom of sitting alone in his room with a computer was just too much for him and so I often caught him watching funny YouTube videos when he should be doing his school work.  The constant need for monitoring was wearing me out. While managing my six-year-old schooling, working from home, and doing all the other stuff that still needed to get done, it all just became too much.  Slowly, I felt my patience getting thinner.  I became a school and homework warden, checking on my son every 15 minutes or so to make sure he is staying on track.  Every time I walked in his room and saw YouTube open, I would feel my frustration rising.  Small talks became daily lectures on responsibility and doing the right thing.  I became one of those moms who saw her son’s failure to complete his assignment as a precursor to his whole future.  I could see his future employer firing him for missing deadlines, I saw his wife leaving him for not keeping his word, I saw him living in our basement at the age of forty because he forgot to pay his bills on time. 

And he listened to my lectures…at least at first.  But then he started to zone out or fight back.  I’m not sure if it was the pre-teen hormones that started to kick in, the frustration of having to listen to the same speech over and over, or the isolation that came with distance learning (probably all three combined) but the outcome wasn’t good. Pretty soon I found myself waking up every morning dreading the day and our interaction.  I was feeling anxious throughout the day until all his schoolwork was done.  I was upset every night because the arguing was still stuck in my head.  But the saddest part of it all was, I found myself skipping on the cuddles and the bedtime readings, because I couldn’t mentally switch from the disciplinarian to the nurturer mode.  I still loved my son very much; I just didn’t like his irresponsible behavior and I was struggling to separate those two. 

I cried to my husband, I talked to my friends, but they didn’t have the same issue.  Their kids were on it and got their homework done fast so they could go outside and play.  I signed up for parenting classes to help me.  One parenting class advised me to lead in with empathy.  Easier said than done. I do feel empathetic to the life my kids have now, but that doesn’t get the homework done.  I’ve tried consequences, I’ve tried the reward system.  The latest parenting class I signed up for is advising me to let him fail.  Let him get bad grades and then just dish out the consequences. That’s a tough one! I am afraid that allowing bad habits to take place will set him up for more struggle once things return back to normal. 

A few weeks ago, we had a huge argument.  I’ve spent two nights in a row helping him prepare for an exam and I was mentally and physically exhausted and I felt like he just didn’t care.  I went to bed angry at him and at myself for losing my temper and I was praying to God to show me the way.  I am the adult here and I need to figure this out before it’s too late. 

The next morning after our argument, I sat Nate down.  I told him “I need your help because I don’t know what I’m doing here.” I asked him if he likes the way things are now, or if he misses us being close.  I asked him what kind of relationship he’d like to have with me and I told him I am worried that if we don’t fix this before he is a teenager, our relationship will be in trouble. I told him how much I love him and how difficult it is for me to always be mad at him.  I told him I hate the person I turned into since this whole thing started and how much I miss what we used to have.  I told him I realize I am the adult and I should know how to handle this but I don’t.  My sweet boy took part of the blame and apologized.  He said he knows he’s the one causing these fights but I knew I am the bigger problem.  As someone smart said, “We can’t control our circumstances but we can control how we react to them.” God knows my reactions have been less than ideal!

We agreed to try harder.  I told him I am going to take a step back and let him figure this out on his own because I love him and this is going to be a good lesson.  We wrote a few basic rules down and put them up in his room.  I asked him if he wants to spend any time with me, just the two of us, doing fun things, no lectures, no school work, just like we used to do.  His face lit up and we’ve made a plan.  I am going to do my part and continue this parenting class I signed up for, Love and Logic.  I am going to continue reading my book Positive Parenting, and listen to parenting podcasts on Focus on the Family.  I’ll take all the help I can get! I will do this because what good is a perfect report card if our relationship is broken? If my love really is unconditional, I need to take down the conditions. 

Have you also struggled as a parent throughout this pandemic?  Please share your experience and advice.